Leading Quietly, Serving Well

A Conversation with Jay Jacobson, Author of Lead by Legendary Example

- by Thomas Parmalee, FuneralVision

Leadership in funeral service rarely announces itself. It shows up in preparation, restraint, consistency, and presence long before it’s tested in public moments. In an industry built on trust, the most influential leaders are often the least visible.

That reality sits at the heart of Lead by Legendary Example, a new book by funeral director, business owner, and leadership educator Jay Jacobson. Rather than offering another framework for growth or strategy, Jacobson’s work returns to fundamentals: character, daily behavior, and the quiet habits that shape culture over time.

In a profession navigating staffing pressures, emotional fatigue, and increasing complexity, Jacobson’s message is timely. FuneralVision spoke with him about why leadership formation matters now, how funeral service uniquely shapes leaders, and what it truly means to lead by example.

Why This Book, and Why Now

Jacobson didn’t set out to write a leadership book in the traditional sense. The idea emerged slowly, shaped by years of observing leadership under pressure.

“I kept noticing that the leaders who made the biggest difference weren’t louder or more charismatic,” he says. “They were steadier. They were consistent. And they understood that leadership in our profession is lived long before it’s ever tested publicly.”

With funeral service facing ongoing workforce challenges and cultural change, Jacobson believes now is the moment to return to basics. “When pressure increases, fundamentals matter more, not less.”

Redefining “Legendary” Leadership

The word legendary can suggest prominence or recognition, but Jacobson uses it differently.

“Legendary leadership in funeral service is rarely visible from the outside,” he explains. “It’s found in preparation, restraint, presence, and accountability. It’s how you treat people when emotions are high and margins are thin.”

In his view, legendary does not mean famous. It means dependable. “Families may never know your name, but they feel your leadership in how smoothly things unfold and how supported they feel.”

Leadership Learned on the Job

Jacobson’s leadership philosophy is rooted in lived experience, not theory. As a licensed funeral director, he learned leadership through long hours, late-night calls, and watching mentors who understood the weight of trust families place in funeral professionals.

“Funeral service strips leadership down to its essentials,” he says. “You can’t fake character here. Families feel it immediately.”

That reality shaped the book’s focus on behavior rather than position. Titles may confer authority, but trust is earned daily.

Character Before Strategy

While strategy and planning matter, Jacobson believes they fail without a strong foundation.

“In funeral service, people don’t experience your strategic plan,” he notes. “They experience how you show up. Daily behaviors compound. Character creates consistency, and consistency creates trust.”

Some of the most overlooked leadership behaviors, he says, are also the most impactful: listening without rushing, preparing thoroughly for routine calls, modeling calm under pressure, and choosing clarity over volume.

“These are not flashy behaviors,” Jacobson says, “but they shape culture faster than policy ever will.”

Carrying the Emotional Weight

Funeral service leaders carry unique emotional and moral responsibility. Jacobson believes acknowledging that weight is essential to sustainable leadership.

“Leaders need rhythms of reflection, boundaries that protect their health, and humility to ask for help,” he says. “Carrying weight alone eventually breaks leaders or those around them.”

Rather than glorifying exhaustion, Lead by Legendary Example reframes leadership as stewardship. Sustainable leaders protect themselves so they can protect their teams and serve families well.

Quiet Influence and Lasting Legacy

One of the book’s most powerful themes is influence without recognition. Jacobson recalls a senior director who mentored younger staff quietly and consistently.

“Years later, his influence was visible in how others spoke, served, and handled pressure,” Jacobson says. “That’s legacy without headlines.”

This emphasis on behind-the-scenes excellence runs throughout the book. Preparation, private correction, and integrity in small decisions become the foundation for trust when it matters most.

Leadership as a Shared Practice

Recognizing that leadership formation happens best in community, Jacobson includes a structured study guide designed for teams and groups.

“Reflection deepens when it’s shared,” he explains. “The guide turns reading into practice and accountability into growth.”

For funeral homes looking to develop future leaders, Jacobson encourages intentional pairing of experienced professionals with emerging ones, using conversation rather than command to shape growth.

Measuring What Matters

Progress, Jacobson says, isn’t always easily quantified.

“You’ll notice fewer reactive moments, better conversations, stronger teams, and quieter confidence,” he says. “You’ll feel it before you measure it.”

Ultimately, Lead by Legendary Example aims to correct one persistent misconception: that leadership is positional. “True leadership is behavioral,” Jacobson says. “Titles don’t create trust; actions do.”

A Legacy of Presence

When asked what legacy he hopes the book leaves, Jacobson returns to the profession itself.

“I hope it reminds leaders that how they lead matters long after a service ends,” he says. “If it helps one leader become steadier, more present, and more intentional, then it’s done its work.”

About the Author

Thomas Parmalee is a seasoned communicator, content strategist, and marketing professional with a career spanning journalism, digital marketing, public relations, publishing, and live events. He is the founder of FuneralVision.com, a trusted digital platform serving death-care professionals with supplier news, best practices, and insights to strengthen operations and grow market share. Through FuneralVision, he also designs and produces on-site industry events focused on education, engagement, and operational excellence.

In April 2025, Thomas joined Ring Ring Marketing as Vice President of Industry Insights and Content, where he develops data-driven marketing and content strategies for death-care organizations and other industries. Previously, he spent 15 years as Executive Director of Kates-Boylston Publications, earning multiple awards for investigative reporting and feature writing. His background also includes leadership roles at the New Jersey School Boards Association and nearly two decades as a freelance writer and editor with Author Solutions, a Penguin Random House company, where he crafted marketing copy for thousands of authors across major publishing imprints.