When Strength Becomes Silence

Why Fewer Men Are Entering Funeral Service — And How Connection Can Bring Them Back

By Jay Jacobson, CFSPJacobson Professional Staffing | Ankeny, Iowa

A Profession Built on Presence

Funeral service is sacred work. It calls us to meet families in their darkest hours and remain steady in the presence of grief. The best directors know how to listen deeply, carry calm, and hold emotion without fear.

Yet across the country, fewer men are answering that call. Mortuary schools now report that nearly three out of every four new students are women, and more than half of current funeral directors are nearing retirement. The field faces a widening gap between those leaving and those stepping in.

We often blame this shortage on long hours or limited pay. But the deeper cause is cultural. It lives in how boys are raised to understand strength and emotion, and how that training follows them into adulthood.

The Crisis of Connection

Dr. Niobe Way of New York University has spent her career studying how boys learn to navigate emotion. Her research shows that young boys are naturally empathetic and relational. They speak openly about love, fear, and friendship. As adolescence approaches, that openness fades.

Society begins to teach a different lesson. “Be tough.” “Don’t cry.” “Stay strong.” Emotional expression becomes a liability. Over time, many young men internalize the idea that connection is weakness.

Dr. Way calls this a crisis of connection. Boys don’t lose their emotional capacity; they learn to silence it. That silence follows them into relationships, leadership, and eventually, career decisions. It also shapes how they see professions that require deep empathy—like funeral service.¹ ²

The Digital Substitute for Belonging

When connection feels unsafe, people find substitutes. A 2022 study in the Journal of Behavioral Addictions found a strong link between loneliness and compulsive internet use. Emotional isolation predicted higher levels of online dependency, often driven by poor emotional regulation and low social support.³

In simple terms, when people don’t know how to connect, they seek escape. For many men, the screen becomes a refuge—a place to appear confident without being vulnerable, to be social without being seen.

But funeral service requires the opposite. It demands presence, patience, and comfort with unpredictability. For those conditioned to guard emotion, that requirement can feel like standing without armor.

Masculinity, Media, and Avoidance

A 2023 study in Frontiers in Psychology explored how toxic masculine norms—ideas of dominance, control, and emotional toughness—affect men’s well-being online. It found that men who strongly identify with those traits engage in more negative online interactions and experience higher rates of depression.⁴

The same pattern appears inside many workplaces. When men equate strength with control, empathy feels risky. In funeral homes, this can translate into emotional detachment masked as professionalism. A man may focus on precision and procedure, yet quietly distance himself from the family in front of him. Everything appears “right,” but the room feels empty.

The work becomes a performance rather than a connection.

The Hidden Cost of Disconnection

Emotional suppression carries a price. Without healthy ways to process grief, it accumulates. Without language for emotion, communication weakens. Without safe spaces to debrief, professionals begin to isolate.

For some men, this leads to burnout and exit. They leave the field not because they cannot handle the tasks, but because they cannot handle the unspoken pressure to stay composed at all times.

Presence begins to feel like exposure. Distance feels like protection. Over time, protection hardens into disconnection.

The Challenge of Presence

For men who remain in funeral service, the hardest work isn’t technical—it’s emotional.

To be present with grieving families requires the ability to feel and remain steady. It means listening without fixing and comforting without withdrawing. That skill does not come from procedure. It comes from practice.

Presence is developed through simple disciplines:

• Taking a breath before entering the arrangement room.

• Remembering that silence is often the strongest comfort.

• Recognizing when exhaustion stems not from work, but from unprocessed emotion.

Families can sense the difference between composure and connection. Real presence cannot be faked.

Redefining Strength

If the profession is to attract and retain more men, we must redefine what strength looks like.

Strength is not silence.Strength is calm compassion.Strength is the courage to stand beside another person’s pain without losing your own grounding.

Education programs can help by teaching emotional literacy alongside technical skill.

Mentorship programs can pair new male directors with seasoned professionals who model empathy and steadiness. Funeral homes can create space for regular debriefing after difficult cases, recognizing emotional maintenance as part of professional excellence.

When emotional fluency becomes standard practice, men can see that empathy does not weaken professionalism—it completes it.

Connection as the Cure

The same cultural forces that keep men out of funeral service also wear down those who stay in it. Both problems share one root: disconnection.

When men learn to express emotion instead of avoiding it, presence becomes sustainable. They rediscover purpose in the work. Families feel seen. Colleagues feel supported. And the profession begins to heal from within.

Funeral service does not need men who are simply strong. It needs men who are steady, self-aware, and willing to connect.

When that shift happens, the shortage begins to close—not just in numbers, but in spirit.

A Final Word

Men are not failing funeral service. Our culture has failed to prepare them for connection.

When we teach empathy as leadership, when we model strength as relational courage, we do more than rebuild a workforce. We restore the human foundation of the profession itself.

References

1. Way, N. (2024). Boys and the Crisis of Connection. Harvard Graduate School of Education, EdCast.

2. Way, N. (2024). Why “Boy Culture” Is Creating a Crisis of Connection. American Psychological Association, Speaking of Psychology Podcast.

3. Wu, L. et al. (2022). Loneliness and Internet Addiction: A Mediating Role of Emotional Regulation and Social Support. Journal of Behavioral Addictions. [PMC9566304]

4. Parent, M. C., Gobble, T., & Rochlen, A. (2023). Social Media Behavior, Toxic Masculinity, and Depression Among Men. Frontiers in Psychology. [PMC10798810]

5. ABC7 New York. (2023). Mortuary Schools See Enrollment Jump Amid Funeral Worker Shortage.

6. Carolina News & Reporter. (2024). More Than 60% of Funeral Directors Nationwide Are About to Retire—Do You Want This Job?

Compassion. Integrity. Respect. Accessibility.

The standard we uphold at Jacobson Professional Staffing.